Somebody once told me that no matter where you run, sadness comes to find you after midnight and before the sunrise. Every night, the sadness slipped into my sheets as midnight struck. Every morning, it escaped through the sunlit cracks underneath my door. The sun kept my life rotating in order until the day that my sadness lost time. Now it filters into my room at 9:23 at night and doesn’t leave until 11:16 the next morning. It’s been bleeding into my life and I can’t find a sealant that resists its terrifying pull. I can’t help but wonder if one day, the sadness will steep in my eyes and there will be nothing but the endless length of time between midnight and the sunrise. I wonder if I’ll become as timeless as the dark.
I live on a cliff teetering between two worlds:
my world of linen do-nothing curtains
and barren love from the humid winds,
or a world with some semblance of insanity
and quite possibly a shred of mindless care.
in other words, a monotonous, slow, real world
and the world where I can kiss you.
Tonight I can’t turn off the lights. I’m so terrified of dreaming. I shake in my skin just thinking about touching anything beyond reality. Reality is tiring and bland and empty; dreams are pounding heartbeats and staining my skin with love. But can you imagine waking into my reality? I think that it might tear me to pieces.
I had a horrible, aching dream last night. I dreamt that you were here and I was there and we existed together in every space and I was so impossibly happy. My hands stretched over oceans to caress your face and I craned my neck across galaxies so that our lips could touch. You smiled and I felt the world in your eyes smoothing over my skin. It was the worst dream that could ever be because when I woke up, you weren’t there. When I woke up I had to remember that you had never been there and you never would be. I woke up and felt my entire body turn to lead and I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. I missed you so much that I wanted nothing more than to exist in that dream forever. Nothing in reality could be better. But then again, why waste my time chasing unfathomable dreams?
i am hopeless and i do not know why.
Even now, you’re still tearing every nerve ending in my body apart slowly, sweetly, agonizingly. You let me forget you. I replenished my eyes with the lakes I had filled but you came back to take it all. They’re all singing softly along my fading footsteps. I can feel them splitting my spine with every shift of pressure on my old path. I can’t scream for them to stop because what’s the use if they won’t hear? If they won’t care?
i left him, that’s the thing. i think he really loved me, and i was so scared. he was the only one who ever asked, kept asking when i froze up and wouldn’t tell him. but i was so, so tired. not because i wouldn’t get off the phone with him until practically 2 in the morning, no. it was because everything was my fault and i couldn’t stand for him to be mad at me again. but he was the only one and now i talk so much shit about him. i can’t believe myself. especially since he was never out of line. it was myfault. i just refused to accept it. he’s long gone and moved on. i fooled myself into believing i couldn’t possibly care less, but all of a sudden, i can’t breathe, all because i miss him. he’s happy now. i made him so miserable. how could i do that to him? he was always there for me, and i left. i think i might have loved him, too. i never told anyone, never told him. everything’s so wrong, and i wasn’t supposed to end up without him. everyone tells you to leave behind the toxic people in your life. they never considered the other side of the story. but i miss him, and i think that i might have been toxic too.
It seems so hopeless when you feel alone and you know there’s no one to make it better. It’s worse when you realize that it’s your own fault. And when you have no opposing argument. Why else would this happen again and again? It’s not a punishment. It’s a lesson. And god help me because I’ve learned it more than enough, but I still fall back into my own bad decisions. I should’ve found a way to stop smiling whenever he crossed my mind. I know that there has to be a way. I could’ve ended it before everything got so complicated and shitty. And I’ve just noticed how it never changes. Never falters in the slightest. It’s always the same tiring story in which I end up crying on my own shoulder because I couldn’t stand to cry on hers. Imagine shedding tears on the same skin that he’d been kissing.