I am often too preoccupied with the idea of things. I fall in love with concepts, forgetting the tangible things they are attached to. In my deformed state of mind, I feel that I never love adequately. I appreciate a person too much, or too little in accordance to how I think I should. In a way it ruins me because I am never satisfied with my satisfaction.
Somebody once told me that no matter where you run, sadness comes to find you after midnight and before the sunrise. Every night, the sadness slipped into my sheets as midnight struck. Every morning, it escaped through the sunlit cracks underneath my door. The sun kept my life rotating in order until the day that my sadness lost time. Now it filters into my room at 9:23 at night and doesn’t leave until 11:16 the next morning. It’s been bleeding into my life and I can’t find a sealant that resists its terrifying pull. I can’t help but wonder if one day, the sadness will steep in my eyes and there will be nothing but the endless length of time between midnight and the sunrise. I wonder if I’ll become as timeless as the dark.
I live on a cliff teetering between two worlds:
my world of linen do-nothing curtains
and barren love from the humid winds,
or a world with some semblance of insanity
and quite possibly a shred of mindless care.
in other words, a monotonous, slow, real world
and the world where I can kiss you.
Tonight I can’t turn off the lights. I’m so terrified of dreaming. I shake in my skin just thinking about touching anything beyond reality. Reality is tiring and bland and empty; dreams are pounding heartbeats and staining my skin with love. But can you imagine waking into my reality? I think that it might tear me to pieces.
I had a horrible, aching dream last night. I dreamt that you were here and I was there and we existed together in every space and I was so impossibly happy. My hands stretched over oceans to caress your face and I craned my neck across galaxies so that our lips could touch. You smiled and I felt the world in your eyes smoothing over my skin. It was the worst dream that could ever be because when I woke up, you weren’t there. When I woke up I had to remember that you had never been there and you never would be. I woke up and felt my entire body turn to lead and I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. I missed you so much that I wanted nothing more than to exist in that dream forever. Nothing in reality could be better. But then again, why waste my time chasing unfathomable dreams?
i am hopeless and i do not know why.
Even now, you’re still tearing every nerve ending in my body apart slowly, sweetly, agonizingly. You let me forget you. I replenished my eyes with the lakes I had filled but you came back to take it all. They’re all singing softly along my fading footsteps. I can feel them splitting my spine with every shift of pressure on my old path. I can’t scream for them to stop because what’s the use if they won’t hear? If they won’t care?